Be Bold, Be Beautiful + Be Different |
The Beautiful Kayla J
My transition from high school to a private college in rural Pennsylvania might have seemed pretty smooth on the surface, but on the inside it was a complete disaster. I was suffering. I had gone to an all girls’ school from 6th through 12th grade where we were required to wear uniforms until 9th grade. The students were uninhibited with each other and were more focused on how to get away with wearing leggings or sweat pants than being fashion forward or being thin. Before I arrived at college I had viewed the class page on the internet and noticed that my class was full of people with one specific requirement: “I’d like a roommate to work out with.” I didn't think much of this before arriving, but once there I realized thinness and outer beauty were top priorities. The majority of the young woman embodied those stereotypical attributes. At first I thought I’d find some friends and be okay but as I struggled to make close friends I quickly felt myself becoming insecure. In order to feel part of the scene I started working out everyday, sometimes twice a day. My routine included 45 minute cardio sessions and limiting myself to one meal a day. My roommate and close friends didn't notice or get worried because, well, they were obsessed with working out and what they ate too. When I went home on weekends, my family noticed how unhealthy I looked but no one commented on my changes. It seemed like the more weight I lost, the more compliments and praise I received from my classmates. When I started freshman year of college I was a solid 165 pounds. By the end of the year I was 135 pounds. I am 5’9” tall. When I went home for the summer after freshman year, I gained some of the weight back and was feeling healthier, stronger and more energetic. I had an active vacation full of exciting adventures with my girls from high school. When I returned to college in the fall, the confident, carefree feeling didn't last long. Once back in my dorm room all the insecurities came flooding back. I loved my college, the campus was beautiful and the professors were amazing. However, in the fall semester of sophomore year it became very clear that it was not the best place for me. I began doubting myself again and was becoming depressed. When I came home for Christmas break I had trouble getting into the holiday spirit and decided it was time to transfer schools. A month after changing my course and transferring to a new school we got the horrible news that my dad was diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer. His doctors were not confident and basically told us this was his death sentence. This news really took a toll on me mentally and emotionally. In order to get though the day without crying, I internalized my feelings and began emotional eating. I found it hard to open up to anyone close to me. I was in NYC working on an internship when I got the call from my mom that my dad was very sick and in the hospital needing bypass surgery because his cancer was obstructing his small bowel. In that moment my whole life changed. I stopped focusing on my self image and began thinking about life in a very different way. My fixation on my weight and body image became such a minute issue compared to the struggles of my dad and my family. After my dad recovered from surgery he was released from the hospital and started chemotherapy. I realized this life is the only one we have and we need to take risks and live with intention, not according to society’s dictates. That was when I decided I was going to give my dream a chance. Deciding to model was a huge decision, not one that I jumped into. There are a lot of pressures in the industry and as someone who has struggled with body image and eating disorders, at first I wasn't sure if I could do it. I still don't know if I can do it, but my dad tells me everyday that if he can fight cancer, I can fight for my dreams. I live in New York now, am attending Brooklyn College and working as a nanny for two beautiful children. Every day as I walk down the street, I see someone skinnier than me, prettier than me, with cooler clothes than me and I fight the old habit of self-criticism. I tell myself that I am unique, I am beautiful. My body is different, but it’s mine and it won’t fail me if I take care of it. I am a firm believer that everybody in every body is beautiful, no matter the shape, the size, the color. Every single person on this planet is beautiful. My current motto that keeps me focused on my journey is, “Don't chase it; embrace it”. I have stopped chasing the unrealistic beauty standards that our society holds and have gained back confidence to put myself out there to become a successful model. So here I am now, embracing everything Kayla, and remembering that life is too short to be living it based on other people’s expectations. |
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